CitiKitty Diaries: The Toilet Training Saga

Miko

This is the daily record of how I toilet trained my cat, Miko.  It just goes to show you that I need a life and my cat is dang awesome.  (I really do wish I had done this years ago.)

Tools:

I used  CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit from Amazon (about $30.00) to toilet train my cat.  The inserts, while perforated, are a pain in the arse to remove.  I suppose that is a good thing since you don’t want them breaking while your cat is standing on them.   I ended up using an x-acto knife.  It’s basically like opening any toy sealed in hard plastic from Toys R Us so prepare to be annoyed.

Preparation:

I must have read the CitiKitty instructions fifteen times.  I also felt the need to order a book on how to toilet train your cat.  Talk about over-prepared.  I taped the toilet seat up and left this sign right above the toilet:

Cat Toilet Training in Progress

Day 1

I placed Miko in the cat litter on the toilet seat and he went pee right away.  He spent a good 5 minutes covering, but not overly exuberant with his pawing.  He really liked the catnip in his litter.  Tried to eat it (before he went pee).

Just fed him so we shall see how he takes to pooping with less litter.  I’m trying not to hound him and trying to clean up quick after him so it’s a clean area without smell.

Still waiting on Miko to go poop.  He’s not taking the bait.  Maybe I should shake him a little.  Just kidding.  Guess we will see when he really needs to go.  It’s after midnight and I need sleep so not while I’m awake, apparently.

Day 2

Two pees and no poops.  Getting a bit stressed over that.  He’s been eating and I have plopped him on the seat a few times and given him plenty of praise and affection, but either he’s holding it or he just doesn’t have to go yet.

He’s a real smart cat and it’s hard not to expect a lot from him.  I just need to remind myself to take it super slow.

Already 9:27 pm so I may miss the poop if it happens.  I’ll most likely be asleep.  I keep the doors closed so no pooping in our laundry.

Nate used the bathroom and put the CitiKitty tray down, but not the toilet seat.  If Miko had jumped up and that tray went flying training would have been over before it even started.

Luckily, Miko didn’t use the bathroom and I caught it first.

Day 3

Wheww!!  Guess what I woke up to?  Poops!  I’ve never been so glad to see my cat take a dump!   Right spot, no accidents, and me not around.

I had barely cleaned the seat and put new litter in his tray when he hopped up, interrupting me, and went pee.  Ohthankgoodness.

Ron and I went out to dinner and when we got back, there was a pee present waiting so that was cool.  Yes, I’m obsessed with my cat’s bowel movements.

Day 4

The cat didn’t have a surprise for me this morning, but after an hour or so of me being awake, he went pee with no problems.  Still waiting on a poop, though.  Seriously, I think he’s doing this to me on purpose.

Before noon, after he meowed at me, I wandered past the bathroom and he’d left a big present exactly where he should have.

And he discovered where I left the Ziploc bag of catnip and proceeded to attack it, trying to get it open.  But not after jumping in the garbage can, which was where I mistakenly put the wrapper that held aforementioned catnip before putting it in the Ziploc.

I’ve since put the catnip in a sealable container and far away in my office.  It looked like someone had stashed a bag of weed in my bathroom drawer so that is probably a good thing.

Almost midnight and looks like no more bathroom trips for Miko before I hit the hay.  I’m pretty sure there will be a surprise waiting for me in the morning, though.

Day 5

Woke up to a big pee this morning. Not too much litter on the floor either.

Another big pee just before 1.

No other activity for the rest of the day.

Day 6

Well, there was a nice big poop waiting for me this morning (where it should be) and a surprise on the couch.  The cat threw up all over Ron’s side.  So I think he was saying he still loves me best (not puking on my side), but that he’s not above barfing any place he likes.  Mental note:  teach cat to puke in toilet.  Anyway, it looked pretty gritty so I think it was due to me putting catnip in Miko’s litter.  He goes so crazy for it, I guess he was chewing down on litter, too.  So that’s bad.  Pretty glad we got leather couches and not suede.

So, no more cat pot, I guess.  He’ll just have to make do with plenty of praise from me.  Which he got.

As I was cleaning up, he hopped up on the sink and watches me and, again, the new litter isn’t down more than a minute before he’s on there going pee.  So I think he holds it while waiting for a fresh bit.  There’s probably not enough litter in his mind to do a second run.  It is an adjustment, I’ll admit.

And I’m real glad I’m home to pay attention to what he’s doing and clean up quickly afterward to keep it as pleasant as possible for him.

I remove one of the inserts on Sunday so it will be interesting to see how he handles it.

Day 7

Woke up to a big pee.

Cleaned his tray and had a back-to-back pee/poo presents.

He did a jump from the sink counter to the toilet tray, which was interesting.  Won’t be doing that in a few weeks unless he’s looking for a bath.

But so far this week no accidents so looks good for the next phase tomorrow.

Tomorrow we open up the first hole and see how that goes.  (Nail biter!)

I can’t imagine he will go again today, but he may later on tonight.

Day 8

Present waiting as usual.  Go, Miko!  So I cleaned up and as we were getting ready for church, I cut out the first insert and hope and prayed Miko would use the toilet before we had to leave so I could monitor and praise as needed.

He checked it out and spent a good five minutes peering into the hole.  I’m like, “Great job, sweetie, it’s a hole now pee in it!”  Before I stressed him and myself out I patted him several times, cooed at him, then left.  And sat in the living room with one ear trained on the bathroom.  Since all other doors were closed, when he wandered that way again I was on high alert.

Down to the WIRE!

I hear the familiar moving of litter for, like, ever.  Finally, he comes out and gives a quick meow.  I don’t know if that means, “Look at what I did!!” Or “Look at what you are making me do!”

I went in and saw most of the litter was gone.  I’m all, “Uh-oh…” I had read about a cat that just kicked all the litter into the toilet and just didn’t go.  Not exactly conducive to successful potty training.  So I started to refill it and, as an afterthought, put my hand in the litter and sure enough a small clump.  He’d peed!  Most of it must have gone into the hole (my boy has some aim on him!), but there was a bit.  I was so proud!  (Okay, I get that it’s kind of gross to put my hand on top of the used litter, but how else was I to know?  I washed ’em.)

No poops yet so we will see how that goes.

Near midnight and only the one trip to the bathroom that I mentioned earlier.

Day 9

Woke up to poops and a pee in Miko’s litter.  He’d pawed his litter enough that just the poop was sitting there right on top, but nothing was on the floor.  Go, Miko!  I was so proud.  If I could high-paw him, I would.  Maybe I’ll teach him that next.

Again, he went pee shortly after I changed his litter.

Day 10

Oops.  I slept in.  Nate had flushed the toilet so I don’t know if Miko had wicked good aim or just didn’t poop.

I did clean up when I got up and heard him meowing in the bathroom, but I couldn’t tell if he’d gone potty or just kicked his litter through the hole, freaked out, and gave up.

I guess time will tell on that.  Got my eyes peeled.

Okay he went.

Big pee and most through the hole.  A little later he went poop with me right there and all but one poop made it through the hole.  He was a bit put off by the sound of poops going to the water, but it didn’t deter him and he didn’t freak out by the sound.  Nothing like a hysterical cat running through the house, terrified, pooping along the way!

Wheeeeeeww.

Day 11

Bit more stress today as there was a lot of meowing around the toilet again.  Not stricken, but more help or unsure.

He managed to poop again, but I made the mistake of being there with him again and I don’t want this to be about me holding his paw every time he needs to go.

It really is hard to see if he went or not between the good aim and the pawing litter into the hole.  I suppose that is preferable to actually seeing excrement or urine on the white floor.

Day 12

When I got back from my meeting, Miko had pooped and peed all by himself without me.  So, yay!   No stress there.

In just a few days we go to the next size.

Day 13

Cleaned up this morning knowing he went pee, but again either his aim is stellar or he’s holding it in.

Cleaned up again later.

Caught him on the toilet as I walked by and stood there peering into the bathroom darkness.  I wasn’t sure if it was a cat shape sitting on the toilet.  When he hopped down I realized my mistake.  Probably thought I was a stalker.  He ended up not going.  Argh.  My bad.

His litter is clean so we will see what I wake up to.  Hopefully not a paw at my throat warning me never to watch him during his private moments ever again.

Day 14

Another successful day.  Miko is a champ.  He’s like the Rocky of CitiKitty.  Apparently Nate discovered poops and pee in the toilet this morning.

Actually, there was very little running outside to wash his tray today.  I just had to replenish litter.

He did a pee, I cleaned, then he hopped up and pooped right in front of me.  I’m like, “I thought I’d traumatized you.  I see now you enjoy an audience.”  Then Miko watched in fascination as the toilet flushed it all away.  Like pretty water magic that he wanted to drink.  Ew.

Not antsy or jumpy about the flushing at all.  He’s doing great, too.

Day 15

Worked like a charm today.  Only one trip outside to wash the tray with the hose.  I think the neighbors are beginning to wonder about me.

Day 16

Woke to shuffled litter so I assume Miko went.  I cleaned his tray and refreshed the litter, and he went pee almost immediately.

Day 17

He’s got this.

Day 18

A few repetitive quiet meows then he did his thing on the toilet.  I heard the plop, plop, plop.  I think he prefers me watching.  Great.  I broke my cat.

Days 19 – 27

Obviously more of the same or I would have written a small novel about it.  My cat is freaking brilliant!  And his bowel movements are super regular, too!

Day 28

Today is the first day on the last rung without cat litter.  I swept, cleaned the toilet, washed the insert.  So we will see how it goes.

The other day Miko was kind of needy and whiny.  I may have created an attention-seeking monster with all the high praise I give him after he goes.  He also seems to prefer that the toilet is flushed immediately after his first trip to the toilet for a pee so that it’s nice and clean for his poop.

No accidents!!  Success!!

Day 35

No insert, nothing.  Nothing but a toilet seat and my cat.  He’s meowy, but no problems. PHEWWWW!!

Training Complete

That’s all she wrote, folks.  It’s been barely a week and I’ve already acclimated to never ever ever scooping a poop again.

Number of times I said “poop”:  23

My First Novel – “Stranded” (12 Years Old)

So, this particular story was a project for my grade 7 class.  I have left the story in its original form, leaving in all grammar, spelling, and my own 12-year old word-smithing.  I will have you know that I drew and coloured every single one of these pictures.  Enjoy!

Stranded

Stranded - Me

Lynn Valley Elementary School
Copyright January 1981 by Melissa C. Brouwers

Stranded - Map

We were flying around Mt. St. Frederick when suddenly we lost a propellor from the left wing of our plane.  We were going in circles and circles.  Suddenly we crashed…  Right then and there the teacher was killed and Beverly broke her leg.  When we finally came to, we decided that we had to have a leader.  We decided that it would be Jimmy since he was our student council rep.  I jumped out of the plane and found we had landed on a volcano.  With the help of Danielle and Suzie we took Beverly out of the plane.

Stranded - Crash

The first thing we did was get all the important things out of the plane.  We walked down the Volcano and stood at the bottom waiting for the other kids to bring down Beverly and the equipment.  Then we waited, we knew that if we didn’t co-operate that we would surely die!  We split up into groups.  Some people went to find food, some shelter, and some people water.  After we split up and found the things that we needed we went back to the bottom of the volcano.  Later on we went back to finding things for our stay.

I looked behind me as I went to collect some food and I saw Jimmy and Ian lying down under a tree.  I asked them what they were doing there and they said that they did not want to work!  So I said, “If you don’t want to work then you can’t eat our food, sleep in our caves, and drink our water!  In fact if you don’t help we will just leave you here to starve!!!”  Just then they said “We’re helping, we’re helping.”  That was the last time we had trouble with them.  “Thank god!”

When everybody started complaining about the groups they were in.  We decided that we would pick a partner.  Well everybody liked that idea so we went along with it.  The system worked like this, nine people would go for water, eight for food and nine for accessories.  After we got organized we started to plan our rescue.  A couple of people suggested that we light a fire and we thought that it was a good idea so we used it.  We started the fire with the package of matches we found in the plane.  We put four logs in a square angle, put a little gasoline (from our plane) on the logs.  Then we lit fire to them….  Was it ever bright!  Later on we decided that Suzie would stay by the fire so that it didn’t go out.  The majority won and poor Suzie was either collecting wood or watching the fire.  She did that all night.  The next day she started complaining.  She wanted to take turns with someone.  We voted again, this time Marisa was picked.  She was the day shift because she wasn’t so brave, and Suzie was brave.  They liked that idea so that was their job.

That night we were all thinking about the day of the plane crash, our parents, things like that.  Soon, after ten minutes of thinking, Kevin, Jimmy, Kathy, Jayson, Craig, Yvonne and Beverly fell asleep.  Everybody else was either stories or falling asleep very quickly.  I couldn’t so I just lay there on the ground staring up into the sky.  The reason why I could do this was that I was right by the cave door.  So I just kept staring.  Soon everybody fell asleep.  About ten to twenty minutes went by, I was just about to fall asleep when I heard a noise it was a helicopter!!  I woke up everybody and we ran down just to find Suzie snoring!!  By the time we woke her up the helicopter had already left.  Everybody was so depressed! except Suzie, she was still snoring.  We went back up to the cave and went to bed…

Stranded - Fishing

The next morning I woke up early (which is very unusual for me because I normally wake up at 12:00 in the afternoon).  Then I walked down to where Suzie was to go get something to eat.  (what I wouldn’t do for some shreddies right now)  Just then I heard three boys argueing.  It was it was Nicko, Tim and Jim, what a racquet!  Jimmy was very edgy.  He didn’t like giving out orders.  He thought that we thought that he was too snobby and pushy.  So we ran into our normal pattern again.  We took a vote.  We started by making ballots just as soon as everybody was awake.  (which wasn’t hard everybody was already awake)  Then we told them our plan and started to get ready.  When we had finally finished, the candidates, Marisa and Mehboob made up their speeches.  That day, Khadija, Danielle, Amber and I made supper.

When supper was finished we began the campaign.  Marisa won by three ballots, mainly because we trusted her more than Mehboob.  She promised that the more work you did the more privileges, and also that the boys and girls are equal they had to do the same amount of work.  Mehboob made promises such as the boys don’t have to work past 3:00 p.m.  The girls had to get food, water, clean the caves things like that.

Everything went okay with our new leader.  One hot afternoon Robert said to Marisa, “How do you expect us to kill the wild animals?  With our bare hands?!”  “You are very right.  Sooner or later I knew that you were going to ask me this so I have devised a plan.  We’ll make blades out of volcanic glass and then we will use very strong sticks.”  She divided us up into groups and off we went.  About an hour later we came back with all of the equipment.  Marisa then said “What we are going to do is make weapons with the things I asked all of you to collect.”  She split us up into our groups and we went to work.  For three hours we worked.  We were all finally finished.  I thought I did a pretty good job myself.  When we settled down she looked at every spear, knife, and axe.  Then she stood up and said that they were great!!

As time passed I decided that I needed a quiet place to think.  I missed my mom, my sister (believe it or not) and all my friends.  I went walking in the woods and soon found a tall, curved tree which looked very comfortable.  I climbed up the tree and lay down on the curved branch on the tree.  I just laid there thinking and resting.

After a couple of hours of thinking and resting I got up and went back to the campground.  I found Suzie, Amber, and Dana and we went for a walk.  In a way you could call it exploring.  They all agreed so we left.  Dana saw a baby cub, Amber saw an eagle.  We kept walking.  I opened a big bush and  I saw a ceremonial ground.  I ran back to the others and then we went back.  It had at least six stumps, three coconut trees around it and a sacrificing stone.  At first I got the shivers but I soon calmed down.

Suddenly something came out of the bush, We ran so fast that a puma couldn’t even catch us.  We were out of there in three seconds flat.  Later on we found out that it was only the little bear cub that Dana saw earlier.  When we got back to camp we saw Marisa making decorations.  “What are you doing?” I asked.  “We’re having a party.” “What kind of party?”  “An arrival party.”  Once we heard that we got right to work.  At six o’clock we had the party.

An hour went by and then Marisa silenced everyone.  She heard something.  It was a plane!  Not an ordinary plane, a rescue plane!!  Everyone did what they had to.  Even Suzie!  Then it landed.  We are going back to civilization.  “Civilization, here I come!”

Stranded - Rescue

Boring Information That’s Actually Important

  1. Airplane safety procedures.  Do you know how to inflate that life preserver if the plane plummets into the freezing Pacific Ocean?
  2. The “do not top off” gas pump warning.  Other than the fact that someone can probably turn your car into a bonfire from the trail of gas trickling down the concrete, you not only just wasted several cents, but you’re gonna have to wipe the gas off the side of your car unless you relish damaging that expensive paint job.
  3. Wearing safety goggles.  It’s probably best to say adios to looking cool and hola to keeping your eyes in your sockets where they belong.
  4. Metal objects in electrical sockets.  Because you will, in fact, get a shock.  Sure, the sound is kind of fun, but the scare is not worth it.
  5. Letting steam out of the popcorn bag slowly.  It’s amazing how much hot compressed air really does burn like a freaking furnace to the face.
  6. Touching hot pans.  Remember when Mom used to nag nag nag about not touching the pan on the heated element?  And then, years later, as an adult – you did?  Call your mom.  Right now.  And say you’re sorry.
  7. Utilizing the toilet waste receptacles.  My gosh, please.  I get that you’re done, but I haven’t started yet and there’s a big piece of hospital bed paper sitting halfway inside the toilet and your bum has been on it and I really don’t want to touch it.  Oh, and for the love of Pete, it’s not like they need a sign to say this, but please flush.  Is it really so technical?  I hope you washed your hands!  Don’t even get me started on flow days…
  8. Reading IKEA instructions.  This is mandatory.  Unless you like sitting in your living-room with a small army of L-screws, bolts, wing nuts, square nuts, carriage bolts, hex bolts (now I don’t even know what I’m saying) and thread cutting machine screws with plenty of time to rip your own hair out.
  9. Mixing colors and whites in the wash.  However, if – like me – you do it enough times, someone else will eventually take over the laundry because he doesn’t appreciate pink boxer shorts.
  10. Microwave heating instructions.  Because if it can cook a cat, it can burn your meal.
  11. Washing labels.  Cashmere sweater + hot water + dryer = Barbie sweater.
  12. Signs about not feeding the animals.  You’re just giving them an entitlement complex.  It’s bad enough in America, must we inflict this kind of self-indulgent laziness on the animal kingdom, too?  Plus, as an added bonus, you might get your hand chomped off.
  13. Test instructions.  They really do throw in a curve-ball when they tell you any answer letter but “C”.  Alternatively, using pencil or a specific color of pen and getting 0/100 because the scanner couldn’t read your ink.
  14. Hazardous Materials warnings.  Well, if you’re wondering why your fingers are melting off, you might want to go back and check the label a little more thoroughly this time.
  15. Danger warnings.  Really?  If my parachute’s not totally secure and double checked, it’s possible I might actually die if I hit the ground at 90 miles per hour?  Well, that’s good to know.  How else can this little adventure go wrong?
  16. Reading ingredient labels.  It only takes one peanut allergy and a frantic drive to the ER for anaphylactic shock to encourage you to check those food labels.
  17. Movie theater etiquette clips.  I get it.  They’re not funny.  They try, but they’re not.  Now, you may not care that you’re not supposed to be texting, talking, laughing, encouraging your infant to scream during an R-Rated horror movie, or toss your popcorn around, but it’s a safe bet that someone nearby will inform you…with extreme physical prejudice…if you cheese them off badly enough.  If there was a public movie-theater shaming system, I’d contribute to it gladly.  And anonymously.
  18. “By appointment only” signs.  You only need to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous time sinks to make a mental note and do your homework next time.
  19. Higher education deadlines.  They really do not care if you miss them.  At all.  Really.  They’ll happily take your money and give you the F, not enroll you in the class, and/or not let you graduate.  Plus, you’re in college now.  Srsly?
  20. Instructions on ANY government form.  Because they also don’t care if you didn’t fill it out correctly.  They don’t even have to answer the phone so you’ll probably end up screaming at a recorded message.
  21. One size does NOT fit all.  Sorry, the label just lied to you.  They can say it in a million different ways and for a million different items, but it is NOT TRUE.
  22. Warning signs about walking on ice-covered lakes.  We’ve all seen the movies where people fall through the ice, get trapped underneath, and can only stare helplessly at the sky through the thick layer of frozen water as they panic and drown.  If that isn’t the freakiest way to die dumbly, I don’t know what is.  (Actually, if you give me a few minutes, I can probably come up with a few things.)
  23. Q-Tips in your ears.  Actually, I don’t know why not.  My friend’s mom in elementary school used bobby pins in her daughter’s ears to get out the wax.  This seems far kinder.  And I wouldn’t want to put my elbow in my ear, even if I could.
  24. Mixing bleach and toilet bowl cleaner warnings.   While the fecal stains may be make their way off your toilet bowl, your dead body on the side of the toilet probably isn’t worth it.  Combining the two produces a deadly chlorine gas.  Maybe it would be better to clean the toilet bowl a little more regularly.  Or poop at a friend’s house.
  25. This Side Up.  From fax to photocopies, nothing screams newb like receiving a blank document.  Especially if it’s a hundred pages and you went off to get a coffee.
  26. Expiration dates.  Unless you’re a fan of plenty of diseases, it’s probably a good idea to pay attention to these.  They’re not “best before” dates, but expiration dates.  As in “expire”.  As in “don’t eat it unless you’re desperate” and even then, have that clean toilet bowl ready.
  27. Flight Times and Gate Numbers.  There’s nothing more fun than running, last-minute, for a flight and discovering it left an hour ago, the gate changed to the other side of the airport, or the flight was yesterday.
  28. Pop-Up Messages.  Your computer is probably trying to tell you something.  Like, for instance, “do you want to delete all files and erase the hard drive?” is probably something worth reading before you mindlessly click that “OK” button.
  29. Staring at the sun.  Because you could, like, go blind or something.  Then you can’t stare at it anymore what with those damaged retinas.
  30. Backing over traffic spikes.  Sure, there’s that teeny tiny part of you that is exhilarated while you drive forward over these things, but imagine the ridiculous amount of tire damage you’d cause if you backed over them.  Maybe the pop! sound would be worth it.  For half a nanosecond.  Then you’d just feel dumb.

Recipe: Nanaimo Bars

Since I’m Canadian, and these are awesome, I’m spreading the wealth (of knowledge).  These bars are not nearly as famous outside of Canada as I thought.  Nanaimo is pronounced “Nah-nai-moe” in case you were wondering and these no-bake dessert bars are suuuuuuper rich, but incredibly delicious.  This recipe comes straight from the city of Nanaimo, British Columbia where the bar originated (hence the name).  Enjoy with a glass of cold milk!

You may be wondering where to find “custard powder”.  Well of course you can buy it on Amazon.  Here’s the link to Bird’s Custard Powder.

Nanaimo Bar Recipe

Bottom Layer
½ cup unsalted butter (European style cultured)
¼ cup sugar
5 tbsp. cocoa
1 egg beaten
1 ¼ cups graham wafer crumbs
½ c. finely chopped almonds
1 cup coconut

Melt first 3 ingredients in top of double boiler.  Add egg and stir to cook and thicken.  Remove from heat.  Stir in crumbs, coconut, and nuts.  Press firmly into an ungreased 8″ x 8″ pan.

Second Layer
½ cup unsalted butter
2 Tbsp. and 2 Tsp. cream
2 Tbsp. vanilla custard powder
2 cups icing sugar

Cream butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar together well.  Beat until light.  Spread over bottom layer.

Third Layer
4 squares semi-sweet chocolate (1 oz. each)
2 Tbsp. unsalted butter

Melt chocolate and butter over low heat.  Cool.  Once cool, but still liquid, pour over second layer and chill in refrigerator.  Serve slightly chilled.

Excuses – But Better

whatsyourexcuse

Do you ever have something come up and someone asks you about it and your reason (or excuse) is so dumb you wish you could offer a less lame way to explain it? Well, fret no more, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve done all the heavy lifting for you.

Acute Apathy Disorder

“I just didn’t feel like it.”

Apparel Misappropriation

“My sister swiped the shirt I was going to wear.”

Apparel Sanitation Deficiency

“I have no clean clothes.”

Benign Positional Stasis

“I’m grounded.”

Conflicting EleGrav Forces

“I fell.”

Domestic Fracture

“I broke up with my girlfriend/boyfriend.”

Emotional Attachment Failure

“I just didn’t care.”

Extended Photinus Pyralis Media Intake

“I stayed home to watch the entire Firefly series instead.”

False Depth Perception Calculation

“I walked/fell into a [insert object].”

Feline Agitation Miscalculation

“My cat scratched me.”

Financial Resource Allotment Deficiency

“I didn’t bring enough money.”

Global Communication Blackout

“My internet went down.”

Ocular Media Alternative

“I read a book instead.”

Olfactory Pheromone Resistance

“I don’t like the way he/she smells.”

Pet Product Extraction

“The cat/dog threw up.”

Social Incongruence

“I don’t like him/her.”

Vehicular Fuel Intake Adjustment

“I had to get gas.”

Waste Transit Redirect

“I had to take out the garbage.”

Clean Joke: The Naughty Parrot

parrot

So there’s this fella with a parrot.  Unfortunately, this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean this bird is a pistol.  He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.  The trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!”   This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, “That’s it,” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, so when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.  The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first, the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.  After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door to check on the bird.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s out-stretched arm and says in very polite tones, “I’m awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you earlier.  I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The man is astounded.  He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, “Just out of curiosity, what did the chicken do?”