Tag Archives: humor

The Fallout 4 Hike

I decided to make my hike fun.  Once I figured out that I had a theme, the rest fell into place.   Now, this page has a video!  Most of the same pictures, had to remove a few to fit the song.  Enjoy!

~Melissa

Preston Garvey is starting to grind my gears. Who’s the General?  Me. So why is that guy telling me what to do?  I should be ordering him to clear out Raiders or Ghouls or Super Mutants. Seriously, all I ever see him do is putter around Sanctuary and fix the same section of siding every single day. 

Whatever. I need some fresh air. Some new Settler slept in my bed last night so I ended up crashing with Maria Long. She’s a bundle of joy. Better than Mama Murphy, though. Ever since she went off the Chems all she does is talk about the good old days and how she doesn’t have “the sight” anymore. I get it, lady, you’re not as spry as you used to be and I made you stop taking drugs. You should be thanking me.

Asked MacReady if he wanted to come with me, but he’s all freaked out about some price on his head. Dude, you leave The Gunners – there will be a reckoning.  And this is a surprise how?  They’re mercenaries!!

I’d ask Piper, but as cute as that lisp of hers is, she asks too many questions. Yes, indoor showers were great. Yes, driving in cars was wayyyy faster than walking. Yes, Sugar Bombs taste pretty much the same, even though they’re 200 years past their expiration date. No, I don’t think Nick Valentine is “kinda cute”. He’s a nice guy, but he’s missing half his face.

I’m not asking Danse. He’s a great guy, but if I hear, “Ad Victorium!” or “For the Brotherhood!” over one more mole rat kill, he’s getting a Super Sledge to the knee caps.

I’ll bring Dogmeat. We can play fetch on the way.  He’s so cute with those teddy bears.

Probably best this way. He doesn’t get all judgmental if I don’t do things his way like the rest of my companions.

Yeah. How did your low-cost apocalypse shelter work out for you?  Not so well, huh?  There’s either a ghoul or a skeleton in a Trilby hat in there. Either way, not worth the effort.

Okay, so I’m off to find some place called Eagle Peak to activate the radio relay so the Minutemen will have a larger signal range. Easy enough. I like watching the dish thingies move up the poles when the power goes on. Fun!

I love those lion statues!  Seriously, I need to find that issue of Picket Fences so I can put them up in Sanctuary.  I think it’ll be a nice change of pace from all the machine gun turrets. Yep. The Settlers complain about those, too. And how loud the generators are. Seriously, people, would you rather walk the Commonwealth as Stingwing fodder?

I even put up a basketball hoop, but noooooo.

Found a bathroom. No traps to disarm outside the stall, thank goodness, but rather than a Ghoul or a Raider, I find this insanity. I don’t think I have to tell you how freaking cold it gets in the winter, so just imagine – if you will – planting your sensitive little tushie on one of these bad boys at 20 below.  Sure, it survived an apocalypse, but who in their right mind would use it?  Fine, you can squat for number one, but what if you had too many Mirelurk omelettes?  That’s just mean.

Water used to be so simple. Now it’s like a knife to the gut. And me with no Purified water. Blast. Gotta prepare better next time. I’ve been working out and since I don’t have a companion with me, I can carry tons more with that Lone Wanderer perk.

Oh great. It’s happened. Now I have that darn song in my head. Blast you, Dion, and your catchy tunes!

‘Cause I’m the wanderer

Yeah, the wanderer

I roam around, around, around

Oh well, I roam from town to town

I go through life without a care

And I’m as happy as a clown

With my two fists of iron and I’m going nowhere

 Pfft. I could bust through this creek easy. No need for Power Armor. I just need a good running start!

Okay, now which way? 

Okay, I know it’s just a tree, but you gotta admit that it looks a heck of a lot more comfortable than that metal atrocity back at the restroom.

It’s a wonder we – as a society – didn’t implode earlier. The sign clearly says to stay on the trails.  As you can also see, no one paid attention to it. Seriously, a few well-placed laser traps would nip that problem in the bud.

That feisty little shrubbery is growing out of a rock!  Pip-Boy salute to you, feisty little shrubbery!


Good gravy on a hot plate, I have to get up there??  Why can’t I fast travel to places I haven’t been?  They’re as clear as day on my Pip-Boy map as the ones I have visited. Vault-Tec, you suck.


Well, I guess there’s nothing for it except to hike. I have a Squirrel-on-Stick somewhere around here…  Synths? Fabulous. If there is a Courser among them, I’m busting out the Fat Man.  Maybe they’re just those weirdos from Covenant. Something is not right about them. Those people make my teeth itch.

Either way, time for stealth. I’m not interested in awkward conversation or a battle royale. I just want to get this gig over with.

Quiet, Dogmeat. We’re supposed to be sneaking. Your whining is going to get us into another brawl. Seriously, we need to work on this, boy.

Wow. Little out of shape. Strong Back perk would be nice. Mine’s killin’ me. That sink is looking pretty good right about now.


What the blazes is this crap with the hills?  I’m going to roundhouse that hat right off of Garvey’s head when I get back to Sanctuary. This is ridiculous!  How long have I been walking?  20 minutes?!  Feels like months!!!

Oh thank goodness. Croup Manor. (I hope.) I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!  Wait. I’m not dying, am I?  Dogmeat?  Where are you?  Come back here!  I think I taste blood. Or mutfruit. Can you have epicurean hallucinations?   I need a second to catch my breath.

Yay!! The radio relay!! About damn time!  Let’s activate it and get the heck out of here.


Okay, that’s not a bad view. I could go for a Cherry Nuka Cola right now, though. That climb was b-r-u-t-a-l.  Hey, is that CIT?  I think so.  Maybe. Oh it would be so easy to hit the button that sets off the reactor. Maybe later. My dogs are barking.

Not real dogs, Dogmeat. Don’t look so offended. No, I’m not going to replace you with that cute cat from the Prydwyn.


Beware of MUTANT HOUNDS, you mean. I hate those things. You know that right around the corner of that quaint little house is a Mutant Suicider just waiting for a chance to set off his own nuke.

Seriously, how they think they’re sooo superior to us “puny humans”, I simply cannot fathom. How can I take anything they say seriously when they can’t string a sentence together?  Except Virgil. He’s my homie. Wonder if the serum worked. I should check on him.

Are those Synths holding hands?  Maybe they’re the escaped ones I helped back at Bunker Hill. I should say hello. Nah. They’re enjoying their freedom away from the Institute. Who am I to get in the way?


Okay, I know I was lamenting people not obeying publicly posted signs earlier, but you and I both know that the best loot is usually on the other side of a sign like this. Okay FINE, I’ll be a hypocrite another day. Seriously, you’re worse than Danse.


Fine. I’ll go down the way I came. One last look for posterity sake. Pretty. Too bad about the Deathclaw, though. All I’m packing is my razor sharp wit and my 10 mm Deliverer. Last thing I need to hear is, pew! pew! pew! and then the sound of my own screams as I’m shaken around like a rag doll as my limbs are chewed off.


Wow, even with pictures people are jackasses. Shush. My thought was fleeting. It’s not like I went past the Danger sign. (Mumbling) This time…


Hm. This looks promising. Usually some good stuff in a bunker. I remember that time I met that gray-haired Brotherhood of Steel soldier at that bunker. Where was it now?  Doesn’t matter. I spent hours tracking down the distress signals of his Recon squad and still he’s an ant’s tooth from blowing my head off.

That’s gratitude for ya. Thank goodness for my adorable smile and Black Widow perk or there would have been bloodshed. I’d hate to have had to explain to Elder Maxson how I blew away the surviving member of his recon unit because I lacked the appropriate communication skills.


You know, there’s no respect for the environment. It rains freaking radiation drops of acid nearly every day, you’d think people would wise up. Maybe they need to be hit with a clue-by-four. I hate those Raiders. Not only are they the worst of the scavengers, but they have potty mouths, too.

 Forget it. Ten minutes wandering around like an idiot. I give up. Thanks for that super sensitive nose of yours, Dogmeat!  No help whatsoever!!

 I must be getting closer to a trade route. Maybe Carla has a bottle of  Purified water I can buy. I’m parched!


I think I remember passing this earlier. Did I see a ranger station?  I can’t remember. With my luck it’s swarming with Bloodbugs or Stingwings. Man, I hate those things.


No water?!  I’d kick this thing over if I wasn’t worried about knocking over a mole rat mound. This place is clearly mocking me.


Women’s is out of order and the Men’s is…locked?!  I mean, there is not a lock in the Commonwealth that I can’t pick, but that’s kind of a jerk move, isn’t it?

I guess if you’re desperate there’s always the sewer. Gonna end up there anyway.


Yikes. I thought The Deathckaw was back up the hill over that ridge. Seems odd that it would be down here. And ah, the massive log was happily attached to a tree as I passed through here earlier. Best to keep on high alert. Angry Deathclaw = bad news + several Stimpacks.


Now they’re mocking me. Whatever. I’m closer to Sanctuary. I can wait.


Nice. Wild fern. Wish I knew what to do with it. A flowing hat perhaps?


What the heck?  This thing has thorns!  Ouch!  Bet those Institute Bioscientists planted them!  The cads!


Ohhhhh. Well now. I’m not on the lookout for a male Deathclaw. Apparently there is a female of the mother Deathclaw type around here somewhere. I see no egg in that pile of branches and now I fully understand why she is upset.

I’m going to back away. Slowly and silently. I like my limbs attached to my body.


Upset was too mild a word.  Clearly. Time to skedaddle. Again.


Another product of the Institute no doubt. It’s not glowing, though. And it’s huge!  What foul shenanigans are those mad scientists up to now??


Are you kidding me?  That Settler doesn’t even know his child was replaced with a Synth!  The horrors the Institute has committed!  So low!  I thought creating 10-year old Shaun was tasteless, but this is beyond the pale!  They must be stopped!


I’m so upset I can’t even drink. Don’t worry, Dogmeat, I have RadAway. I’m so mad I’d choke anyway. Or bite off the faucet.  I’ll let my burning hot indignation satiate me until I return to Sanctuary.

That place has to GO.


What’s a tick?  That’s not a tick. That’s a Radscorpion.  And good luck with insect repellant. That’s like a misted perfume to them.  Tweezers?!  LOL. Try vice grips and a flame thrower. Better yet, a laser sniper rifle. You don’t want to be home when Radscorpions come knocking.


Yep, the Railroad is nearby. Good. Maybe Desdemona or Tinker Tom has something to drink. Maybe not Tinker Tom. Last time he injected me with one of his fandangled serums, I almost broke my nose when my face hit the floor.


It looked so inviting I had to. It tasted like nothing I’ve had since before the bombs went off. A type of lettuce maybe?  No rad-y after-effects either!  What are you, you sweet ambrosia?


What is that?  Rotting tato  and mutfruit?  Maybe a Yao Guai will wander by and eat it. They’ll eat anything. I know. I’ve seen the bones.

Drummer Boy got a little creative with the color, methinks. I wonder if it was tribute to the fair Desdemona?  I thought maybe Deacon and Desdemona were an item, but this will add some sparks to the mix. Plot twist!


I sure hope KL-E-O takes this crushed bottle cap I found on the road. Then again, what can you buy with one crushed bottle cap besides a wisecrack these days?  Inflation.

Ugh. Mirelurk eggs. Freaking piles of them. If they all start hatching at once I will lose it. Backing away slowly. Again.

Home soon. I can feel it. Just passed Red Rocket Pit Stop.

 Whoever threw this Molotov Cocktail obviously missed. No charred remains.

 My senses are tingling. Hope there isn’t a pack of Mirelurks nearby. I WILL shoot the gas tank and light. Them. Up.

Well, that’s a new one. Something you want to tell me, Dogmeat?  Huh, boy?

Not even worth opening the mailbox.  Oh!  I see Sanctuary. Good. I have a hankering for a Deathclaw steak.
Finally!  Home. What a pain in the butt. Lot of near-misses on the way back.

Whats that, Deacon?  I could have fast-traveled back from the relay?  Hey, maybe I forgot. Okay?  Maybe you need a knuckle sandwich. Better yet, you keep talking about a new face, how’s about I give you one in a kaleidoscope of black and blue?

Maybe I’ll borrow that pompadour as a chew toy for Dogmeat. How ’bout that?

 

Everyday Heroes – Inspiration Behind the Novel

I always get so excited when I finish something.  When I wrote Real Life, I wanted to do something fun and light with lots of humor and (admittedly) some pretty ridiculous situations.  Still, I love a happy ending so all’s well that ends well, right?

The idea for Everyday Heroes actually came from a ridiculous (what is up with me and ridiculous?) story I told my girlfriends on a sleepover at my friend’s house when I was in high school.  I’m sure none of them remember it.  It had something to do with the heroine saving a guy freezing in the woods in some winter wonderland. She drags him back to her cabin, hops in a sleeping bag naked with him, and saves his life.  (And stuff.)

This is NOT that story!!!

Having said that (loudly), the idea of saving a life without even thinking about the repercussions is interesting to me.  I also had a few goals in mind.  I wanted to:

  • Write a book about a woman who has faith.  I didn’t want to get all preachy and annoying about it, I just wanted it to be a natural extension of who the character is.  Kind of like me.  (Except she’s a doctor.)
  • Write about people who, on the surface, seem to have the perfect life, but behind the smile, are secrets.  No one’s life is perfect.  Ever.  At all.  Ever.
  • Have a subtle heroic theme throughout.

Maybe it’s because I worked on a game about heroes (and villains – trust me, there is one).  I think people who work in service to others (military, medicine, teaching, etc.) are already heroes.   There were many people I met while I was working on City of Heroes who had some pretty rough challenges (medical, personal, you name it) thrown their way and that made a mark on me.  I wanted to say thank you in a small way.

Also, since my experience working in hospice, I have come to the realization that the average person cannot survive in this challenging field.  It’s too hard.  Only a special person made of unique awesomeness, who is willing to look deeper than a terminal diagnosis and all the challenges that come with it (physical, mental, spiritual, social)  – and still perform their job with excellence and genuine compassion day in and day out – can.  I’m so proud of them, I can’t even tell you.

Grace

I decided to make Grace a doctor.  And a bit of a Doogie Howser.  Look it up if that name is meaningless to you.  She’s kind of awkward. over-achiever.  Imagine, if you will, that this woman who has succeeded at her career so wonderfully and so quickly (years ahead of most), rushes into a marriage with (she thinks) “the perfect guy”.  Except he’s not.  She spends the next 20 years a victim of physical and verbal abuse.  The book actually starts after she’s left that situation and is trying to get on with her life.

Wait!  What the heck happened to that cabin in the woods with the snow and the hypothermia?!  Yeah, sorry about that.

John

Okay, now we have John.  He comes from a great family, a military background, and over the years has worked his way up the military ladder.  Tragedy strikes.  He loses his memory and he loses his voice.  He goes from being a man defined by his career to coming home (in his mind) “broken.”  Rather than face these challenges, he runs away from his family, friends, and the world in general.  I’m not a military expert or a medical expert, but I did want to look at how the world just kind of moves on without you if you let it.

So I take two lives of people who serve so magnificently in their careers and they both get punched in the gut.  Thankfully, that’s just where the story starts…  Challenge and heartbreak is where heroes are forged.  They push through, they fall, they slide, but eventually they get back up, and push some more.  I love that notion.  Strength and character.  Integrity.  Honor.

This book’s subject matter is definitely a darker path than the popcorn and bubblegum of Real Life.  Of course there is still humor and silliness, this is a romance novel after all, not a documentary.

I really hope you enjoy it.

~Melissa

P.S.  My next book isn’t even a Romance.  It’ll be something completely different.  Stretch out those horizons!

Boring Information That’s Actually Important

  1. Airplane safety procedures.  Do you know how to inflate that life preserver if the plane plummets into the freezing Pacific Ocean?
  2. The “do not top off” gas pump warning.  Other than the fact that someone can probably turn your car into a bonfire from the trail of gas trickling down the concrete, you not only just wasted several cents, but you’re gonna have to wipe the gas off the side of your car unless you relish damaging that expensive paint job.
  3. Wearing safety goggles.  It’s probably best to say adios to looking cool and hola to keeping your eyes in your sockets where they belong.
  4. Metal objects in electrical sockets.  Because you will, in fact, get a shock.  Sure, the sound is kind of fun, but the scare is not worth it.
  5. Letting steam out of the popcorn bag slowly.  It’s amazing how much hot compressed air really does burn like a freaking furnace to the face.
  6. Touching hot pans.  Remember when Mom used to nag nag nag about not touching the pan on the heated element?  And then, years later, as an adult – you did?  Call your mom.  Right now.  And say you’re sorry.
  7. Utilizing the toilet waste receptacles.  My gosh, please.  I get that you’re done, but I haven’t started yet and there’s a big piece of hospital bed paper sitting halfway inside the toilet and your bum has been on it and I really don’t want to touch it.  Oh, and for the love of Pete, it’s not like they need a sign to say this, but please flush.  Is it really so technical?  I hope you washed your hands!  Don’t even get me started on flow days…
  8. Reading IKEA instructions.  This is mandatory.  Unless you like sitting in your living-room with a small army of L-screws, bolts, wing nuts, square nuts, carriage bolts, hex bolts (now I don’t even know what I’m saying) and thread cutting machine screws with plenty of time to rip your own hair out.
  9. Mixing colors and whites in the wash.  However, if – like me – you do it enough times, someone else will eventually take over the laundry because he doesn’t appreciate pink boxer shorts.
  10. Microwave heating instructions.  Because if it can cook a cat, it can burn your meal.
  11. Washing labels.  Cashmere sweater + hot water + dryer = Barbie sweater.
  12. Signs about not feeding the animals.  You’re just giving them an entitlement complex.  It’s bad enough in America, must we inflict this kind of self-indulgent laziness on the animal kingdom, too?  Plus, as an added bonus, you might get your hand chomped off.
  13. Test instructions.  They really do throw in a curve-ball when they tell you any answer letter but “C”.  Alternatively, using pencil or a specific color of pen and getting 0/100 because the scanner couldn’t read your ink.
  14. Hazardous Materials warnings.  Well, if you’re wondering why your fingers are melting off, you might want to go back and check the label a little more thoroughly this time.
  15. Danger warnings.  Really?  If my parachute’s not totally secure and double checked, it’s possible I might actually die if I hit the ground at 90 miles per hour?  Well, that’s good to know.  How else can this little adventure go wrong?
  16. Reading ingredient labels.  It only takes one peanut allergy and a frantic drive to the ER for anaphylactic shock to encourage you to check those food labels.
  17. Movie theater etiquette clips.  I get it.  They’re not funny.  They try, but they’re not.  Now, you may not care that you’re not supposed to be texting, talking, laughing, encouraging your infant to scream during an R-Rated horror movie, or toss your popcorn around, but it’s a safe bet that someone nearby will inform you…with extreme physical prejudice…if you cheese them off badly enough.  If there was a public movie-theater shaming system, I’d contribute to it gladly.  And anonymously.
  18. “By appointment only” signs.  You only need to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous time sinks to make a mental note and do your homework next time.
  19. Higher education deadlines.  They really do not care if you miss them.  At all.  Really.  They’ll happily take your money and give you the F, not enroll you in the class, and/or not let you graduate.  Plus, you’re in college now.  Srsly?
  20. Instructions on ANY government form.  Because they also don’t care if you didn’t fill it out correctly.  They don’t even have to answer the phone so you’ll probably end up screaming at a recorded message.
  21. One size does NOT fit all.  Sorry, the label just lied to you.  They can say it in a million different ways and for a million different items, but it is NOT TRUE.
  22. Warning signs about walking on ice-covered lakes.  We’ve all seen the movies where people fall through the ice, get trapped underneath, and can only stare helplessly at the sky through the thick layer of frozen water as they panic and drown.  If that isn’t the freakiest way to die dumbly, I don’t know what is.  (Actually, if you give me a few minutes, I can probably come up with a few things.)
  23. Q-Tips in your ears.  Actually, I don’t know why not.  My friend’s mom in elementary school used bobby pins in her daughter’s ears to get out the wax.  This seems far kinder.  And I wouldn’t want to put my elbow in my ear, even if I could.
  24. Mixing bleach and toilet bowl cleaner warnings.   While the fecal stains may be make their way off your toilet bowl, your dead body on the side of the toilet probably isn’t worth it.  Combining the two produces a deadly chlorine gas.  Maybe it would be better to clean the toilet bowl a little more regularly.  Or poop at a friend’s house.
  25. This Side Up.  From fax to photocopies, nothing screams newb like receiving a blank document.  Especially if it’s a hundred pages and you went off to get a coffee.
  26. Expiration dates.  Unless you’re a fan of plenty of diseases, it’s probably a good idea to pay attention to these.  They’re not “best before” dates, but expiration dates.  As in “expire”.  As in “don’t eat it unless you’re desperate” and even then, have that clean toilet bowl ready.
  27. Flight Times and Gate Numbers.  There’s nothing more fun than running, last-minute, for a flight and discovering it left an hour ago, the gate changed to the other side of the airport, or the flight was yesterday.
  28. Pop-Up Messages.  Your computer is probably trying to tell you something.  Like, for instance, “do you want to delete all files and erase the hard drive?” is probably something worth reading before you mindlessly click that “OK” button.
  29. Staring at the sun.  Because you could, like, go blind or something.  Then you can’t stare at it anymore what with those damaged retinas.
  30. Backing over traffic spikes.  Sure, there’s that teeny tiny part of you that is exhilarated while you drive forward over these things, but imagine the ridiculous amount of tire damage you’d cause if you backed over them.  Maybe the pop! sound would be worth it.  For half a nanosecond.  Then you’d just feel dumb.

Melissaisms

[insert word]-sickles:   Fingersickles = cold fingers.  Melissasickle = cold Melissa.

BP:   Big Plan.  As in, “Hey, what’s the BP for tonight?  Dinner and a movie?”

Foofy:   Sticking up, out, or all over the place (as in a bad hair day).

Futz:   To fiddle around with something until it is ruined beyond repair.

Habawa?:   A question.  It means, “come again?”

Melvention:   Something I create.  Maybe I haven’t created it yet, but I had the idea for the invention right?  A melvention.  An intermelvention would be a totally different situation and not at all pleasant so I won’t add it here.

Mish Mash:   A whole mix of things.

Schwack:  Many.  A whole lot.  More than a little.

Smunched:   Squished.  Flattened like a pancake.

Snarf:   To eat very very quickly and with great enthusiasm.

Snockered:  Drunk.

Vocabularical:  Having to do with vocabulary (or lack thereof).

PHRASES

“Let’s roll!”   This means, “Let’s go” or “I’d like to leave now.”  My husband bugs me about this all the time.  He quotes it to me with a deep cowboy voice.  Maybe I’ll change my phrase to “Let’s ride!”

“Break free from society.”   This means do your own thing, baby.  I used to use it a lot in high school.  (Tragic, that I treasure it still.)

“Chaps my hide.”   This means “that is upsetting me greatly”.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff.”   A favourite of my mother’s.

“I hate rabbits.”   Before PETA shows up at my doorstep, let me clarify!  This is an utterly useless phrase used while sitting in front of a campfire and the smoke has just traveled your way and is choking you slowly.  You use this phrase and supposedly the smoke should go someplace else.  Look, I was a kid.  We thought stuff like that worked.  <g>

“SBD (Silent But Deadly)”:   Not that I’m proud of it, but this was in reference to wayyyyyy too many bean burritos and their charming after-effects.  My sister and I used to love to torture each other with this phrase, even when it didn’t apply.

“Lava Lamp”:   Fun to look at, but not that bright.  (I have to thank my ex-roommate for that one.  I got it from her.)

“Lucy skit”:  A situation so inane that it may as well have been scripted (as in, The Lucy Show).  “It was a total Lucy skit when she fell into that vat of grapes at the wine tasting last week.”

“Mental Margarita”:  I find it incredibly ironic that a woman who doesn’t drink has more than one reference to alcohol.  Anyway, this is when you allow your brain a momentary lapse of intelligence.

“Oddly compelling.”:   A situation or food that both draws and repulses you at the same time.

Be Zazzled!

I sure have been.

I have been playing around with Zazzle and doing something I’ve been telling myself I should be doing for years.  (How’s THAT for a confusing sentence?)

Writing greeting cards!

I love quippy cards with a bit of humour, I love writing chick lit, I’m a Jesus Freak, and I love stationery so what better way to showcase my crazy impulses for all of the above but creating my own cards?

So there you have it.  Me in a nutshell on Zazzle.

Here’s my gallery:

http://www.zazzle.com/miskela

~Melissa