Clean Joke: Police Emergency

Another one that cracked me up.

This is the (probably not) true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation.  Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up.  Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.  Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Clean Joke: Knock at the Door

Okay, I love clean jokes.  You never feel guilty telling them in front of your grandmother.  I stumbled on this one today and it cracked me up, so I had to share!

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”

Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”

A Woman’s Week at the Gym

My friend, Tanya, sent this one to me via email so I’m sharing with you.  It cracked me up!

 

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband bought me a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.  He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring!  Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other crap, too.
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THURSDAY:

Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.  He took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny witch to find me.  Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.
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FRIDAY:

I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.  Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps!  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!

Author:  unknown

The Foot Wants What the Foot Wants

This was just sent to me , so I’m passing it on.  This little “exercise” comes (apparently) from an orthopedic surgeon.    The claim was that it would “boggle my mind” and it will keep me trying over and over to see if I can outsmart my foot, but apparently I can’t.  It’s pre-programmed in my brain.

So with a hefty dose of skepticism and making sure no one was watching (apparently this only takes 2 seconds to try), I gave it a whirl.  And, dagnammit, if it ain’t so!  Okay, so now it’s your turn.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

  1. Without anyone watching you (they will think that you are goofy), and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off of the floor and make clockwise circles.
  2. Now, while doing this (don’t stop), draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

Well?  Did it happen to you, too?