Melissaisms

[insert word]-sickles:   Fingersickles = cold fingers.  Melissasickle = cold Melissa.

BP:   Big Plan.  As in, “Hey, what’s the BP for tonight?  Dinner and a movie?”

Foofy:   Sticking up, out, or all over the place (as in a bad hair day).

Futz:   To fiddle around with something until it is ruined beyond repair.

Habawa?:   A question.  It means, “come again?”

Melvention:   Something I create.  Maybe I haven’t created it yet, but I had the idea for the invention right?  A melvention.  An intermelvention would be a totally different situation and not at all pleasant so I won’t add it here.

Mish Mash:   A whole mix of things.

Schwack:  Many.  A whole lot.  More than a little.

Smunched:   Squished.  Flattened like a pancake.

Snarf:   To eat very very quickly and with great enthusiasm.

Snockered:  Drunk.

Vocabularical:  Having to do with vocabulary (or lack thereof).

PHRASES

“Let’s roll!”   This means, “Let’s go” or “I’d like to leave now.”  My husband bugs me about this all the time.  He quotes it to me with a deep cowboy voice.  Maybe I’ll change my phrase to “Let’s ride!”

“Break free from society.”   This means do your own thing, baby.  I used to use it a lot in high school.  (Tragic, that I treasure it still.)

“Chaps my hide.”   This means “that is upsetting me greatly”.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff.”   A favourite of my mother’s.

“I hate rabbits.”   Before PETA shows up at my doorstep, let me clarify!  This is an utterly useless phrase used while sitting in front of a campfire and the smoke has just traveled your way and is choking you slowly.  You use this phrase and supposedly the smoke should go someplace else.  Look, I was a kid.  We thought stuff like that worked.  <g>

“SBD (Silent But Deadly)”:   Not that I’m proud of it, but this was in reference to wayyyyyy too many bean burritos and their charming after-effects.  My sister and I used to love to torture each other with this phrase, even when it didn’t apply.

“Lava Lamp”:   Fun to look at, but not that bright.  (I have to thank my ex-roommate for that one.  I got it from her.)

“Lucy skit”:  A situation so inane that it may as well have been scripted (as in, The Lucy Show).  “It was a total Lucy skit when she fell into that vat of grapes at the wine tasting last week.”

“Mental Margarita”:  I find it incredibly ironic that a woman who doesn’t drink has more than one reference to alcohol.  Anyway, this is when you allow your brain a momentary lapse of intelligence.

“Oddly compelling.”:   A situation or food that both draws and repulses you at the same time.

Clean Joke: A Blonde, a Lawyer, and an Airplane

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, he offered her 10 to 1 odds, and suggested that every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.

The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.00.

Then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down the hill with four legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placed numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50.00 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “Well? What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.00.

Clean Joke: The Mailbox

A man was in his front yard mowing the grass when his beautiful, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”

Clean Joke: Police Emergency

Another one that cracked me up.

This is the (probably not) true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation.  Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up.  Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.  Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Clean Joke: Knock at the Door

Okay, I love clean jokes.  You never feel guilty telling them in front of your grandmother.  I stumbled on this one today and it cracked me up, so I had to share!

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”

Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”