This video made me smile, laugh, cry, and it touched my heart. This is what marriage should be for all of us.
10 Things You Don’t Say To Your Mate When Arguing
I’ve had plenty of arguments over the years. Some of these I’ve used. Some I haven’t. Usually, however, if I did, the fight got worse. Sure, I may have felt temporary pleasure over that “zinger”, but did it really serve me over the long run of the argument? Not really. Amazing, isn’t it? The people we care about most in the world are the ones we let loose the rampaging rabid dogs of war the quickest.
Top 10 Things Not to Say:
- “Whatever. I’m done.”
- “You obviously don’t understand.”
- “If you loved me, you’d know…”
- “I don’t care.”
- “It’s not my fault if…”
- “You always…”
- “I hate you.”
- “I never wanted…”
- “You’re such a…”
- “Shut up.”
It’s pretty clear why these don’t work, but – for the uninitiated – things like sentences that start with “You always…” are impossible to defend against. Because they’re not true. Obviously no one always does something. If that were the case, they’d be doing it all day long, 365 days a year. About the only thing you can accuse someone of always doing is breathing.
This gem is reserved for spouses and boyfriends. The “If you loved me you’d know…” comment presumes mind-reading. And if there’s one thing a man is not equipped to do when it comes to women, it’s reading her mind. Believe it or not, ladies, we don’t think alike! You know how you go out with your girlfriends and you finish each other’s sentences, and there’s all that, “I know, right??” that goes on? It’s because we think alike. We see things in relatively the same way. We are built emotionally in-sync.
Men, however, are not built like us. This is why when we whine and complain they want to “fix it” and we get irritated. Our girlfriends don’t tell us what to do, they just listen, commiserate, and offer up another bowl of Ben and Jerry’s. We’re hardwired differently. Maybe some guys really want to “talk it out” and get all deep in the emotions and really gab, for hours and hours, about what’s bothering them, but most guys just want to say what’s on their mind, fix it, and move on.
Guys want us to respect them. Love is easy for us. Respect is hard. Respecting a man means not embarrassing/criticizing him in front of his friends or family, not making him feel “less”, not attacking him for something he didn’t know he did, not assuming you know what he is thinking or feeling (lack of mind-reading goes both ways), not presuming his intentions, not talking to him like you’d talk to your girlfriends – he doesn’t think like they do.
Women like to marinate. Men like to flash fry.
Here is something we should remember: Productive arguments have conclusions, not concussions.
Top Ten Things To Say: (and mean)
- “I’m sorry.”
- “Let me just see if I understand you right…”
- “I admit that I…”
- “Thank you.”
- “Do you forgive me?”
- “Can we take a minute? I’m getting upset and I want to figure out why.”
- “I’ll be quiet and listen so you can make your point uninterrupted.”
- “I love you.”
- “I didn’t realize I’d done that. What I’d meant was…”
- “I forgive you.”
Oh, words. They’re so easy and cheap. That’s why I put the “(and mean)” in there. When we were younger, my sister would smack me and immediately say, “Sorry.” Then she’d smack me again. Again, another “Sorry.” The word is meaningless if you don’t follow up on it with action and that usually means not doing the same thing you were sorry for over and over again.
As a woman, my particular brand of live ammunition is – you guessed it – words. I can mire myself down so deep in the details of what my husband has said that, by the end, I’ve utterly tied him up in knots. I’ve “wordsmithed” him into feeling frustrated and helpless. That’s like having a debate with someone and having them throw in ridiculous curve-balls like “define logical”.
So as you gear up for that next round, consider this:
- Would you say that to your grandmother?
- How would you feel if the other person said that to you?
- Do you really mean that?
- Is this the most important person in your world? Why are you treating them less than you would a co-worker, girlfriend, Starbucks employee?
- What is your goal in this argument? Winning? Understanding? Compromise?
- Words are permanent. People remember things long after the “I’m sorrys” have been said.
- Accepting responsibility and asking for forgiveness is strength, not weakness.
- Admitting mistakes is difficult, necessary, and builds wisdom.
- Love may conquer all, but it is not just a verb, it’s an action, too.
- Conflict is inevitable. Choosing our response to it is 100% all us.
Ideally, the best thing to do is to recognize that you’re getting miffed, define it (what is really agitating you about what that person said or did?), own it, and articulate it. If you can sort things out before the yelling starts, then you just saved yourself some grief.
I know, words are easy.
Video: When You Crash Dad’s Concert, You Better Be Adorable
Now that’s just ridiculously adorable. The music’s not bad either! That’s Coffey Anderson, in case you were wondering who the artist is.
Clean Joke: A Blonde, a Lawyer, and an Airplane
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, he offered her 10 to 1 odds, and suggested that every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.00.
Then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down the hill with four legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placed numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50.00 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “Well? What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.00.
My Un-Resolutions for 2013
As the end of 2012 comes to a close (hence the sunset picture), I was thinking about what we all think about when we encounter a new year. It’s the dreaded Resolution list. The list of things we are hoping to do for the new year, big goals, life changes, and so forth. This year, I’m not making any Resolutions, I’m making Un-Resolutions.
Now is about the time I’d say “I will” (and then when I don’t, I feel guilty, so I’m not doing that). I’ll say, “I will try” (shut up, Yoda!). So with that in mind, this is what I would like to try and do a little less of next year:
I will try not to:
- Criticize myself when I mess up. Failure is part of learning. No one gets check-mate at their first game of chess (maybe Bobby Fischer did).
- Focus so much on being a specific size and think more about feeling healthy.
- Take things personally when I get in an argument and focus on the disagreement, not the person.
- Spend so much time on the internet, even though it’s really fun.
- Eat certain foods because they are low-calorie, but because they are good for me and my body.
- Speak without thinking. Even though I am quite good at it.
- Compare myself with others and just focus on working towards being a better person.
- Shy away from discussing my faith, but also realize that not everyone is interested (nor may they ever be).
- Flagellate myself over mistakes I have made in the past. I can’t change them now, I can just learn from the experience and accept the wisdom that comes from them.
- Expect unconditional love and not give it in return.
- Sweat the small stuff.
- Obsess over the green grass on the other side, but appreciate the grass (and occasional weeds) in my own yard.
- Become disillusioned when people don’t live up to my expectations.
- Put off tomorrow something I know is important to me today.
- Live in the world of “What If”.
- Chew my fingernails, but if I do not fret over it.
- Get so amped over politics or issues and convincing everyone to come to my side. (That doesn’t mean I don’t talk about politics or issues, but I shouldn’t fight to the death about them.)
- Hurry so fast into the future, it’s coming fast enough as it is.
- Overestimate the smallest gestures, especially if they were done for me.
- Worry about what people think of me as much as I should care what God thinks of me.
Words for a Pooh Bear
“Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Christopher Robin (to Pooh)
Clean Joke: The Cell Phone Gift
This is just silly, but I like it.
Bill bought his beautiful blonde wife, Sherry, a cell phone for their first wedding anniversary. Sherry loved the gift, and watched intently as Bill explained all the features on the phone. The next day, as Sherry is having her hair done, her phone rings. It’s Bill.
“Hi, honey,” he says. “How do you like your new phone?”
“I just love it. It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?”
What I Want for New Year’s
Who asks for a New Years gift? Well, apparently I do. Unique is just another word for weird, but that is okay. I was going to ask for this for Christmas (’tis the season and all that), but by the time I’d polished this write-up, it didn’t give people much time. Since New Years is all about a fresh new start and a whole new year, it fit my plan nicely.
Don’t worry, what I want doesn’t cost any money, so don’t fret about that. My wish requires only your time. You really don’t have to. The whole point of a gift is that you give it freely with goodwill, not a scowl and a box to the head. So if, after reading this, you decide that this is not something you feel comfortable giving, that’s okay. I’m only a tyrant at Monopoly. Que sera sera and all that.
What I would like is for you to take some time and read just one book in the Bible. (It’s not Genesis, I promise! I tried reading Genesis first, it was a bad idea!) Actually, that’s it. The rest of this post is just to show you how to do it.
So let’s start:
Find a Bible (or go here for one online). By the way, there’s even an App for that. It’s called YouVersion and it has the Bible in many translations.
If King James reads like Shakespeare to you, I recommend the New Living Translation or the New International Version for easier reading. Don’t get fancy; you don’t want to try and juggle deciphering and reading at the same time. You’ll just get frustrated and that is also not the point of this gift.
Got it? Don’t open the Bible yet! Okay close it, then.
It’s easy to start flipping through and then get distracted or confused. Before you start, please pray. Maybe you don’t pray, maybe you don’t think any god exists to hear you. Maybe you just feel weird talking inside your own head. Do it anyway, okay? I’ll even recommend what to talk about if you are stuck on how to start.
Wait! Don’t open your Bible yet. What now, you ask? Do a quick life check:
- Are you distracted?
- Will you be distracted shortly?
- Are you in a quiet room?
- Can you concentrate without being bothered?
- Do you have a pen and paper (or something electronic) to jot down your thoughts or questions?
If the answer to any of these questions is a less than ideal situation, resolve it. You don’t have to tell anyone what you’re doing, just make sure you’re not going to be interrupted.
Okay, now (gasp!) the prayer:
- Thanks
- Insight
- Questions / Issues
I recommend thanking God for some of the things that you’re grateful for in your life right now. It’s just a warm-up to get you used to “having a conversation” in your head. You’re not expecting a reply, you’re just putting it out there.
Once you’ve relaxed a bit with the thanks, ask God to open your heart (this is important – it’s amazing how guarded we can be) and your mind to help you understand what you are about to read. Yeah, it sounds New Agey, but there is no point in doing something if you’ve already decided you won’t learn anything. All I’m suggesting is that you ask God to help open you up to…possibility.
You may also want to ask him to help you with any questions or issues that may come up as you read. If you also want to pray that Aunt Sally’s arthritis gets better or that you get the job you’re looking for, go ahead and do that, too. Even if you don’t believe in God, having quiet time to settle your thoughts never hurts. Sometimes it just helps talking in your own head to articulate the things that are bothering you.
Now we start! Finally!
Okay, open your Bible and flip to the New Testament’s Book of John.
My wish is that you read this entire book. But don’t slam through it like housework or a Jell-O shot, this is some powerful and interesting stuff. Savor it like really good chocolate or a hot apple cider on a cold night. I highly recommend stopping each time you get to some title at the beginning of a new section. (Less if it’s just too much reading or you find yourself skimming.)
Books (like John, Genesis, Psalms, Proverbs, etc.) are written in sections so you want to keep the flow of what you’re reading together. There is no rush. Just chew on it.
There is going to be a lot that you “don’t get” like:
The word was with God? What?
Why is he called The Word? Lamb of God?
Who is Isaiah the Prophet and what’s the connection?
What’s a Pharisee?
What’s with lambs and shepherds?
Any question, comment, thought, idea, reflection, insight, or rant you have, write it down.
Maybe you spent 10 or 15 minutes today and nothing really changed in your world. That’s okay. As you go about your day, skeptical or not, ask yourself why of all things “this bit” would be in the verse or chapter. What makes it so important or significant that it would be included in one of the most respected and revered books in history. Or what was going on in the world at the time, culturally, and geographically.
If you’re willing, tomorrow, do it again with the next bit. And so on, until you are done.
quiet place
pray
read
reflect
question
write
There are 21 chapters in the Book of John. Like I said, please don’t rush. These writings have been around for over 2,000 years. The scripture that Jesus quoted from is hundreds of years older than that! It’s not going anywhere.
Whether it takes you a month, six weeks, or however long to get through this one book, if it was an interesting read and nothing more, send me an email and tell me that. I will thank you deeply for the gift of your time to fulfill a New Year’s wish of mine.
Or, as you read, and you’ve written down questions or comments and want to share them with me, go ahead and email me at melissa@melissabianco.com! People have said the Bible is not relevant, but I assure you, it is. Nothing better illustrates the human condition than this book.
Anyway, that’s the present I’d like.
The Bible changed the course of my life. It started me on a path that led me to ask questions, to look at my choices and my life, and to change my future forever. It did not make me funnier, better at parallel parking, or allow me to do physics. It has, however, revealed to me some insightful things about me, about life, and about what happens when we die.
Thank you for reading! I hope you grant me my wish. It may seem strange, but in granting me my wish, you may be fulfilling a wish I already have for you.
Melissa
P.S. Please do me the courtesy of keeping any comments or email content positive. If you have nothing nice to say, I respect that, but I don’t want to read it. 🙂
A Little Clarification for my Sister
You know, sis, I just had an epiphany.
Remember when you used to call me Smelly Constipation? (For the uninitiated, my middle name is Constance). Well, I was just thinking about it and, logically, that just doesn’t work.
Obviously, since everything is all backed up, there is no smelly to be had. Now, if my middle name had been Diana-Rhea, well maybe then you’d have something better to work with.
I realize you were only 10 years old when you came up with this brilliant (and surprisingly catchy and enduring) phrase, so your wordsmithing skills weren’t fully developed yet.
And, yes, it’s true that it has been over 30 years since you tortured me with that, but I figure we are never too old to learn.
Also, since there was really nothing to work with for your name, obviously, not only did Mom and Dad not think things through with my name, but clearly they loved you best.
Angela Dawn. Seriously. What the h-e-double hockey sticks am I supposed to do with that?
Sincerely,
Your little sister, Melissa
P.S. Mom should have named me Elizabeth like she wanted and not let Dad name me after his old girlfriend.
Clean Joke: The Mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing the grass when his beautiful, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”
MelissaBianco.com 
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